No, if you think I’m going to talk about MY most embarrassing moments, think again. Maybe I’ll do it in another blog entry. Maybe. Instead I’m going to talk about embarrassing moments of other people that I have personally witnessed or had the story retold to me.

About five years ago, my wife (ex-wife now) and I went to the local American Legion hall for amateur night. Think of it as a local American Idol where we had three judges rate the performers from 1-10. Some of them were actually good, in my humble opinion. However, some were nothing short of atrocious. This one young lady who wore a dress that was meant for someone about three sizes smaller than herself came out to sing “God Bless America.” It was dreadful from the very start. I just put my hands over my ears and looked down at my feet hoping it would be over soon. My wife tapped me on the hand and said, “Look at her mouth.” I looked up and, apparently, she had a removable bridge in the front top of her mouth that had come loose. She kept singing and, of course, the bridge fell from her rather ample mouth, hit the mic and then bounced around on the floor. Everyone in the audience did their absolute best not to laugh. But, it simply wasn’t possible. I give her credit, she kept singing despite a part of her mouth clearly missing now and resting on the floor.

Unfortunately, she didn’t sign up for the comedy category and was sent home.

My brother related this one to me when he was Bogalusa, LA working on a project for his employer. He said after one really tough day, he went to a bar not far from his hotel to drink a few beers and maybe eat some dinner. He noticed there were some rough looking customers there. So, he decided he might get that dinner to go after drinking a couple of beers. As my brother continued drinking, the crowd was getting more rowdy and one fight had already broken out near the pool tables. Drunks were falling down everywhere and he was hoping the damn cook would hurry with his order. He said he had already drunk three beers in about 15 minutes and was ready to leave. He casually looked toward the men’s restroom and noticed one really smashed Cajun looking man coming out…and I mean literally “coming out.” He said the Cajun guy had his penis hanging out from his zipper and was stumbling from table to table trying to find his way back to his seat. Funny thing about it, no one even seemed to notice. He finally found his seat and the waitress who was bringing beer to his table did notice his penis hanging out. She said, “Damn Pete, I thought you said you didn’t like Vienna sausage.”

And the crowd went wild…

I know this next one people aren’t going to believe because it is so stereotypical. But, it happened. One time I was coming from a local drug store and noticed this one buxom lady next to her Honda waving her key up and down. I’m thinking, this can’t be what I think it is. So, I ask her if I can be of any assistance (gentleman that I am). In near tears, she said, “My damn remote on my keychain won’t work and I can’t get in my f’ing car!!!” I asked her to give me the remote Honda key and, yes…yes…yes I did, I put it into the door lock and opened it for her. “Ooooooh, thank you!"  She backed out and left very quickly. I watched her leave and said, “You’re welcome, sweetheart.”

Yes, she was a blonde.

This last one happened many, many years ago when I was still working my first job at age 15. I’m not sure it’s going to be funny to some. I don’t think it was funny either. But, it damn sure had to be embarrassing. I had gotten off work one afternoon at the Jitney Jungle supermarket and was trying to walk across Hwy 90 in Pensacola, FL to get to my neighborhood. At this intersection there were six lanes of traffic I had to navigate, including an eastbound left turning lane. I made it across the westbound lanes and was standing on the median island next to the left turning lane. The traffic light had not turned red for the eastbound traffic, but had turned red for the left turning lane. So, I stood there waiting patiently. A late model Cadillac pulled up to the left turning lane waiting for the light to turn green. I noticed he was smoking a cigar as he came up to the light. Nothing unusual about that. But, I noticed he seemed to be beating at his rather rotund belly as I stood behind his car. That did seem unusual. Suddenly, this man jumped out of his car and the front of his shirt was on fire! I thought I was dreaming. Here is this man, about 5’6 and maybe 230lbs, doing the funky chicken at an intersection with traffic zooming around us both. I tried to help him take the shirt off. But, I could not do it. I went to try and put out his blazing stomach with my little Jitney Jungle cap. It didn’t work because then my cap caught on fire. This man is screaming at the top of his lungs. And it’s about to get worse. His hair had now somehow caught on fire. Except it wasn’t his hair. It was his toupee and it had fallen off his head. His toupee was now a mini-bonfire resting in the left turning lane. One man did stop and came out with a fire extinguisher to put out his stomach blaze. He suffered second degree burns and lived to smoke another cigar.

Unfortunately, his toupee could not be saved.